Hope. Trust. Control.

So I feel like I have been on a roller coaster since the last time I wrote.  Almost a month ago we came to you with an update, but more than that we were asking for prayer.  We needed you to support us and lift us up because like so many parts of this journey, we can not do it alone.  I know people all across the country have been praying for us.  A handful of you have been stuck dealing with all of my emotions...you are angels.  A few of you have been the ear we needed.  We talked through every step from one extreme to another.  All of those things led us to make a big decision...Colombia.  We are doing it!
I have heard for years, "write your plans in pencil, then give God the eraser."  Many times I have hated that statement.  I thought, "why didn't you let God write the plans to begin with?"  Yet, I am learning sometimes you think God is writing the plans...and maybe he is, but then there is a U-turn in the middle of the plans.
This change in plans means a little more waiting...and boy do I hate waiting.  I am absolutely terrible at it.  I whine a lot (sorry Tyler).  I get impatient.  And ultimately I have to let God be in control.  I am a control freak through and through.  It is part of who I am and has been for a long time.  So why did we choose adoption?  Well, I don't think we chose adoption.  I think adoption chose us...God chose us.  Because of that, I must let Him have control.
So He has led us to Colombia.  Due to the circumstances related to the country just now being an option for us, they have a lot of waiting children.  Many of these children are sibling groups, which is where our heart lies.  As much as I hate waiting, I know it hurts each of those children even more.  So as long as they wait...as long as there are children in need of homes, in need of families, we will wait. We will allow God to be in control and trust that He knows exactly what He is doing.  Because with God comes hope...and hope changes everything.

Homestudy: Take 1

Today was our first homestudy meeting.  I saw first because contrary to popular belief, those don't happen all at one time. I intended to write earlier this week regarding our upcoming homestudy but a few things prevented that.  #1 was getting ready for the homestudy.  I'm pretty sure our house is the cleanest it has been since we moved in.  It also now has child locks, appliance locks, outlet covers, and lots of other child-proofing type things.  This took a lot of time and work for a variety of people.  I am so glad that we are surrounded by people who love us and support us in this journey.  Reason #2 was I could not quite figure out how to put into words how I was feeling.  I was excited, nervous, anxious, stressed, happy...sometimes all at the same time.  I don't know how my husband survived the week...or the day for that matter.  I am so thankful for him and how God matched us.
Of course the day did not go as planned (welcome to the world of adoption, right?).  Last night, I went to clean out under our sink and found that we had a leak.  After locating the source I called our landlord.  He said he would be here sometime Monday or Tuesday.  He arrived 30 minutes before our caseworker.  Its been raining for 2 days straight so muddy footprints were all over my kitchen.  When our caseworker arrived, the landlord's son was laying on our kitchen floor, half in our cabinet...this was not at all how I imagined the day.
However, she was gracious and happy to meet everyone.  We went through lots of paperwork.  Some was finished already.  Some we worked through together.  Some she left for us to work on.  We walked through the house together.  We passed all our safety checks!  And to no surprise, I stressed out about this step way more than I needed to.  We set our next interview meeting for next week.
We also discussed countries.  We have said for quite some time that we were adopting from Ethiopia.  When we first got involved we were encouraged to consider South Africa because it shares so many qualities with Ethiopia.  We had discussed it and were open but we have still felt like Ethiopia was a much stronger option for us.  Today, we were asked to consider a country that was not even an option when we first began this process...Colombia.  It shares many similarities with Ethiopia as well.  Our agency is also getting a lot of referrals from Colombia right now and it may speed up our process.  It is so hard for me to think about a country outside of Africa because it has been the picture in my head for so long.  Again, we are asking God to make it abundantly clear if this is the direction we are to be heading.  Please pray along with us for this and our homestudy process as a whole.  At the end of the process we will have to declare a country.
We know God has been taking care of our children and weaving their story until it joins ours.  We are excited to see and be a part of what He is doing.

Celebrating with those on the journey

I know a lot of you are waiting to hear how our day went with our first homestudy meeting.  I will update everyone on that soon.  However, first we want to celebrate along with those who are on this adoption journey with us.  You see its a journey that so many do not understand.  Once you are in it or have been in it, you become part of this unspoken family.  You understand things no one else does.  You feel the pain of waiting.  That means you also get to celebrate some of the milestone moments.
Today dear friends of ours John & Rachel saw their daughter's face for the first time.  They will be adding a little girl from China to their family of 4 very soon.  We are so excited for them and hope you will join us in praying for them and their family as their journey continues.

Whirlwind: What's Next?

So the last few weeks have been a bit of whirlwind.  We decided we were officially ready to jump in.  We then made some final updates to our formal application and submitted it to Bethany Christian (our agency).  It was approved within 24 hours!  Crazy, right?
So that meant we needed to kickstart getting ready for our home study.  We took a day off work together and cleaned for 10 hours straight.  We also downsized a lot of things.  (We are in the process of continuing to do so.)  We still need to attack the basement and go through some of our storage but we are a lot closer.
We also started our Spare Change project.

The concept is at the end of the day you throw your change into a jar (which we will provide if you want).  Once you fill the jar, if you are local to us, we will pick it up from you.  Then we will cash it in for our adoption account.  If you do not live local, you can cash it in and send it to us through paypal (link on the side), check, or cash.  We also still have our envelope project and we are planning to do shirts some time in the next few months.

This morning I mailed our contract back to the agency.  All these steps may seem minor but knowing that each one brings us a little bit closer to bringing our children home keeps us going. 

We are excited to see what else God has in store.  This journey has not looked the way we expected so far and we know the future will be the same.  Please pray along with us as we continue to follow His leading.

My story...

I was driving home quite late a few nights ago.  I had KLove on my radio.  Big Daddy Weave's new song My Story came on.  If you have not listened to it, please go do that.  The lyrics just really hit home.
If I told you my story, You would hear hope, that wouldn't let go and if I told you my story, you would hear Love that never gave up and if I told you my story, you would hear Life, but it wasn't mine If I should speak, then let it be of the grace that is Greater than all my sin If I should speak let it be of the grace that is Greater than all my sin of when justice was served, and where mercy wins! of the kindness of Jesus, that draws me in o to tell you my story, is to tell of Him If I told you my story, you would hear victory over the enemy and if I told you my story, you would hear freedom that was won for me and if I told you my story, you would hear Life Overcome the grave This is my prayer.  For my life.  For our adoption.  For the lives of our children.  No matter what may our story just be a piece in God's greater story.  May it point to Him.  May it show how Great He is!  This is my story...

David, Goliath, and a season of waiting

It has been a while since I've written here.  I think I did not write for so long because sometimes letting other people into your heart is hard...especially when your heart is hurting.  I have finally realized that I don't just write here for everyone who reads this.  I write for me and I write for our future children.  I want them to see the process someday if they so choose.

I did not write because we are in a period of waiting.  Waiting is hard.  Sometimes it hurts.  Sometimes there are tears.  For me, there is  primarily a feeling of helplessness.  It drives me insane.  I want to do something.  I want to change something.  I want to move forward.

Not long ago our friend Melissa C shared on her blog (http://adoptajourney.blogspot.com/2015/07/revolving-door.html) this excerpt from My Utmost for His Highest
God gives us a vision and then He takes us down to the valley to batter us in the shape of that vision. It is in the valley that many of us give up and faint.  Every God-given vision will become real if we have patience. It is in the valley that God has to put us through fires and floods to batter us into shape, until we get to the point where He can trust us with the reality of the vision.  Ever since God gave the vision, He has been at work.  Over and over we try to escape from the Sculptor's hand in an effort to batter ourselves into our own shape.  Allow the Potter to put you on His wheel and whirl you around as He desires. Don't lose heart, you will turn out as an exact likeness of that vision. 

Melissa C and her husband are further ahead on the adoption journey than we are.  Their blessing came in the form of a newborn girl just a few months ago.  Melissa's continued honesty and rawness remind me that God has not left me in the waiting.  However, I was still struggling so God continued to pursue me.

Last week during our connection group, we were discussing David and Goliath.  Melissa F looked at me and asked, "What giants do you have in your life? And how are you relying on God through it?"  I love our connection group because I can be real with them.  In this stage of life, adoption...every part of the process...is a giant in my life.  Some days I am fully relying on God, that He has chosen a child, and timing, and the agency and He will open those doors as He sees fit.  Other days I go back to wanting to do something, change something, or just move forward.  I am not allowing myself to be like David.  David was small and weak.  He could not have defeated Goliath by himself.  I am small and weak.  I can not weather the adoption journey by myself.  I serve a big God who chose David so God's strength would show through.  I am choosing to trust that strength.

So today we are still in a season of waiting.  It will be a little bit longer until we can move forward with our homestudy.  Inside that is really hard for me to say.  We are not where I imagined we would be at this point.  However, God is reminding me that He has not left us and He is not finished with our story.

I am working through some support and update letters.  If you would like one, please send me your address.  I am also continuing to write thank yous.  I am terrible at doing so but I promise they are coming and your generosity and your prayers are appreciated more than you may know.  We are continuing to do the envelope project.  And most importantly we are continuing to pray and to trust.  God is good and He is with us through all of it.

Police Brutality, Riots, and Transracial Parenting

This is a conversation I have been having with myself for a while.  It is also one I have hesitated over and over to write about.  I think that may be true because despite how often I have had this conversation with myself I still don't have the answers.  Because of this, today I want to invite others into the conversation.

This morning as I sit at my computer, my newsfeed is filled with anger, pain, and destruction.  Once again the phrase "Black Lives Matter" is everywhere and I am broken hearted.  Black lives do matter.  This concept has had a profound impact on my life as we are in the middle of an international adoption based in Africa.

How do I raise my children in a world that looks like this?   I was always taught that men and women in uniform were to be trusted, yet I also as an adult believe that police brutality is a real thing.  I also believe that you can not judge an entire group based upon the brutality of a few.  I hold this same belief in reference to african americans.  Not all black people are looters and rioters.  Yet, I believe that many are responding incorrectly to this police brutality.  Destruction and looting are not the answers.  The news seems to have forgotten to include those who are standing for their cities.  Those who are protecting homes and businesses despite having no obligation to do so.

Racism is still real.  In a country that claims to be one of the most progressive in the world, it is still prevalent.  It is something I desperately want to protect my children from, yet I do not want them to be sheltered from the world.  I want to raise children who are proud of who they are, who honor their African heritage.  I desperately desire to live in a world that can celebrate what makes us different rather than condemn it.

I love people.  I believe all lives matter.  We are all children of God, yet we live in a fallen world.  In this moment I am glad I serve a God who is bigger than our messes.  So today, I am turning off the news.  I am praying for black lives, for white lives, for police lives, for our lives, for our children's lives.  May God guide us as we navigate how to parent in a messy world.

Celebrating others in this Journey

We interrupt our regularly scheduled blogging to celebrate another family in the journey.  I began working with Melissa and Sully when I was in college while we were all serving at the same church plant.  They have beautiful hearts.  Their journey has looked very different from ours.  They have been walking a path of domestic infant adoption for a few years.  They have struggled in the waiting and rejoiced in the details.  They have had their hearts broken and prayed A LOT!
Today we want to celebrate with them.  Their daughter has been born!

Dear Emily,
We pray that you might know how much you are loved, chosen, and wanted.  God has been guiding your path long before you were even born.  We pray that you might see God's love every day.  We pray that you will grow to be healthy and strong.  We pray that your days be filled with joy and your path be smooth and when they are not, we pray that you turn to your Father for help.  We pray that you always know the sound of your Father's voice, the comfort in His arms, and the joy of His truth.  May the Lord bless you and keep you.  May His face shine upon you and be gracious to you and give you his peace.
Amen

If you want to know more about Melissa and Sully's journey you can find their blog at http://adoptajourney.blogspot.com/

We love you Cook Family!

I'll let you in on a secret...

Without fail, one of the first things we hear when someone finds out that we plan to adopt is, "Oh you are such great people.  You are doing such a great thing.  I don't think I could ever do that."  Tonight I want to let you in on a little secret...
We aren't great people.  We aren't extraordinary.  Now, yes I do believe adoption is a great thing.  I also believe it is not for everyone.  However, we are no better than any of you reading this.  We are not well off financially.  We don't have a big house.  We don't own our home.  We haven't been married long.  We don't have a ton of parenting experience (technically we don't have any).  We do not have extensive medical or cultural knowledge.
However, we serve a great God.  We would not be where we are in this story without His leading.  We believe that adoption is part of God's redemption story.   Throughout the Bible, God talks about adoption.  In the Old Testament, King David brought Mephibosheth into his kingdom.  Despite being imperfect and the only one left in his family, he was welcomed at the kings table.  In James it declares, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”  And in Ephesians, Paul in speaking about God the Father says, “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love  he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will.”  It seems as though adoption has always been a part of God's plan in how we care for the world and people He has entrusted to us.
We arrived at adoption differently than many families.  For us, this is Plan A.  We believe that this is means bringing home the children who were meant to be a part of our family.  We are not great people.  We will stumble and even fall.  But we serve a great God, guiding us and coming along side us every step of the way.  

Joy of a child

Tonight my heart is so full.  It is amazing how encouragement comes in so many different forms and God always knows exactly when I need it.  Tonight I was working the second part of my third double in a row.  I love my job, but it can be exhausting sometimes.  I was quite simply worn out.  One of my favorite regulars walked in.  I had no tables and her baby girl was sleeping.  So I got to take a few moments to just hold and enjoy her.  This was followed by some great conversation, and a little bit of playing peekaboo around the pinball machines.  Tonight I needed the joy of a child to fill my heart.
I also needed to be reminded why we are on this long, stressful journey.  You see, people say to me all the time, "Well wouldn't it be easier to just get pregnant."  This statement is usually preceded by "Oh, can you not have "your own" children?" with a sad and somewhat sympathetic look.  First of all, please don't ever say this to someone who is adopting.  If we were struggling with infertility, you just tore that wound back open.  Now that you know that we are not, you are often confused, which is what lead to your second statement.  Let's be honest in many ways it probably would be easier to just get pregnant.  But adoption did not become part of our story because it seemed like the easy option.  We believe wholly that this is God's plan for our lives, that our family was meant to grow through adoption.
But tonight I needed to be reminded that we also chose this path because of the joy of a child.  A child who is an orphan can have their joy stolen so easily.
So while we know we can't change the world...we can't save every orphan...we can't even make a difference for 1%...maybe for a child or two we can return their joy.

Embrace the uncertainty

“If you’re feeling frightened about what comes next… don’t. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness. Don’t waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present - each moment as it comes - because you’ll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart, where your hope lives. You’ll find your way again.”

--Everwood

Oh in so many ways this is my heart tonight.  I am frightened about the uncertainty.  In many moments I can turn this process over to God, but so often fear sneaks up on me again.  If you've known me very long you know how much I like to have things under control.  (Ask my maid of honor about my wedding day...)  Because of this I struggle to embrace the uncertainty, however I'm learning that it leads you to be present and enjoy every moment.

I am learning more and more that it is so easy to rush through life and miss the moments because you are trying to reach the destination.  I do not want to miss today because I am distracted by yesterday or by tomorrow.  Each day is filled with its own joys and its own pains. 

So today, we took another step as we attended a meeting at Bethany Christian.  Today I am trying to embrace the uncertainty.  Today I am striving to trust God's plan above my own.  And today I am simply striving to enjoy the moments unlike any other that will ever exist.  Pray, embrace, and enjoy along with us.