It has been a while since I've written here. I think I did not write for so long because sometimes letting other people into your heart is hard...especially when your heart is hurting. I have finally realized that I don't just write here for everyone who reads this. I write for me and I write for our future children. I want them to see the process someday if they so choose.
I did not write because we are in a period of waiting. Waiting is hard. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes there are tears. For me, there is primarily a feeling of helplessness. It drives me insane. I want to do something. I want to change something. I want to move forward.
Not long ago our friend Melissa C shared on her blog (http://adoptajourney.blogspot.com/2015/07/revolving-door.html) this excerpt from My Utmost for His Highest
God gives us a vision and then He takes us down to the valley to batter us in the shape of that vision. It is in the valley that many of us give up and faint. Every God-given vision will become real if we have patience. It is in the valley that God has to put us through fires and floods to batter us into shape, until we get to the point where He can trust us with the reality of the vision. Ever since God gave the vision, He has been at work. Over and over we try to escape from the Sculptor's hand in an effort to batter ourselves into our own shape. Allow the Potter to put you on His wheel and whirl you around as He desires. Don't lose heart, you will turn out as an exact likeness of that vision.
Melissa C and her husband are further ahead on the adoption journey than we are. Their blessing came in the form of a newborn girl just a few months ago. Melissa's continued honesty and rawness remind me that God has not left me in the waiting. However, I was still struggling so God continued to pursue me.
Last week during our connection group, we were discussing David and Goliath. Melissa F looked at me and asked, "What giants do you have in your life? And how are you relying on God through it?" I love our connection group because I can be real with them. In this stage of life, adoption...every part of the process...is a giant in my life. Some days I am fully relying on God, that He has chosen a child, and timing, and the agency and He will open those doors as He sees fit. Other days I go back to wanting to do something, change something, or just move forward. I am not allowing myself to be like David. David was small and weak. He could not have defeated Goliath by himself. I am small and weak. I can not weather the adoption journey by myself. I serve a big God who chose David so God's strength would show through. I am choosing to trust that strength.
So today we are still in a season of waiting. It will be a little bit longer until we can move forward with our homestudy. Inside that is really hard for me to say. We are not where I imagined we would be at this point. However, God is reminding me that He has not left us and He is not finished with our story.
I am working through some support and update letters. If you would like one, please send me your address. I am also continuing to write thank yous. I am terrible at doing so but I promise they are coming and your generosity and your prayers are appreciated more than you may know. We are continuing to do the envelope project. And most importantly we are continuing to pray and to trust. God is good and He is with us through all of it.
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